


and i won't hate you (but oh it stings)

by ideclifford



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Angst, i was listening to dodie clark and then was inspired, i wrote this instead of doing coursework, nothing really happens between ashton and bryana it's more implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-26
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-17 08:42:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,314
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4660080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ideclifford/pseuds/ideclifford
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"how does it feel to be adored by him?"</p>
<p>luke watches ashton love someone who isn't him</p>
            </blockquote>





	and i won't hate you (but oh it stings)

**Author's Note:**

> ok so this is kind of angsty? i took the title and inspiration for this from dodie clark's "adored by him" so if you want you can go and listen to that
> 
> alright let's go

The first time Luke heard about Bryana, he felt his world crash down around him. He had felt his blood turn to ice in his veins as Ashton had admitted to the band that he had been seeing someone for a little over a month and it was "going great. Really well, in fact".

 

His heart sunk as Ashton flashed a photo of the girl to the three teenagers, grinning proudly and rambling off facts about the person on the small iPhone screen. "I can't wait for you guys to meet her," Ashton had said, hopeful eyes passing over his friends' faces, stopping at Luke's to observe his reaction to the news, "I've asked her to join us on the road for a few days, you can get to know each other. It will be fun. I mean - if it's alright with you all?"

 

It was not alright with Luke. Two months ago, the blond boys were sharing kisses and secret touches that only they knew about. It was just to relieve stress. That was what Ashton had told him when he sat the younger boy down and decided to break off whatever they had going on. Ashton had replaced Luke in a matter of weeks.

 

"Of course it's alright, Ash," Michael reassured, clapping the eldest on the back.

 

"Well done dude, you finally did it," Calum added, "you finally found a girl who can tolerate you."

 

Luke stayed silent.

 

_Pretty girl with the butterscotch hair_

_Your eyes and the sunshine smile you wear_

_I can see how you make his soul glow_

 

•••

 

 

The back of the bus was off limits on Wednesday evening.

 

Well, it was never actually stated that the back of the bus was off limits. Luke had labelled it that himself after walking in on Ashton and Bryana cuddled up together, talking and giggling together like two pre-teens, the television playing a sappy rom com merely background noise for the couple. Even though he had only seen them for a few seconds, Luke didn't miss how infatuated with each other they looked. Ashton used to look at him like that.

 

On Wednesday night, Luke found himself alone in his bunk, wishing things would go back to how they used to be, when Luke would crawl into Ashton's bunk when sleep was evading him, curl up into his chest and feel a sense of comfort with Ashton's arms - muscled from drumming and workout sessions - wrapped around him. He'd barely said a word to Ashton all week.

 

Luke slept fitfully that night, wondering where he went wrong.

 

_Pretty girl with the adventurous mind_

_You envision so much you make me look blind_

_You spark his life in ways I'll never know_

 

•••

 

Recently, it felt as though Bryana was Ashton's source of life. He was flying off to spend time with the girl every chance he could, even sacrificing a small break with her instead of with his family back home in Australia.

 

He would talk to Bryana on the phone whenever he had the chance, be that backstage or on the tour bus after a show.

 

Luke tried to lie to himself, his brain screaming at him that because Ashton was happy, he should be happy too. His heart yelled the opposite, making his body feel heavy as the realisation he had been so easily and quickly replaced took him over.

 

Luke didn't hate her. He didn't.

 

_And I won't hate you_

_But oh it stings_

 

He just wanted Ashton to himself. And maybe that was irrational, maybe that was selfish, but he didn't care.

 

_How does it feel_

_To be adored by him?_

 

•••

 

It was sometime early morning when four drunk Australians stumbled into a hotel room, shouting and laughing loudly as they spoke about the night as if it had happened years ago, looking back in a way that was almost nostalgic, highlighting the good things that had happened that night and ignoring everything that had gone wrong.

 

They were currently on the Australia and New Zealand leg of the tour, and so were able to drink freely in any bar or club they visited.

 

"What's'a time?" Ashton slurred, rubbing his eyes with the back of his hand.

 

"Don't know," Michael had contributed, throwing himself onto one of the two beds and closing his eyes, "I'm so tired."

 

"Like, midnight," Calum supplied, unlocking his phone to undoubtably check his phone contacts to see if he had received any numbers that night.

 

"I've gotta call Bry," Ashton mumbled, "she said to call when I got back."

 

"She's probably asleep," Calum countered, "call her tomorrow."

 

"Okay," Ashton agreed, "I like her, you know? She's great. I think I love her."

 

"We know," Luke said, an edge of anger to his voice that luckily Ashton didn't catch, but made Michael open his eyes and look at him suspiciously, before becoming bored or too tired - it was hard to tell - and dropping his head back onto the bed, "I'm going back to our room, Cal. I'm tired."

 

And with that, the blond left the room.

 

_Pretty girl there's no need to fret_

_Because it's midnight, he's drunk_

_And you're the one in his head_

_You don't even have to try at all_

 

•••

 

"I told Bryana that I love her today," Ashton announced, breaking the comfortable silence surrounding the hotel room he was sharing with Luke.

 

The youngest looked up from his phone, where he had been mindlessly browsing Twitter, when Ashton had finished speaking. He felt as though, in that moment, Ashton had ripped his heart from his chest and stamped on it.

 

"Oh? That's great," he had replied almost shakily. His chest felt tight, and he had to force the words to exit his body, "did she say it back?"

 

_And I won't hate you_

_But oh it stings_

 

"Yeah," Ashton was smiling again. He always seemed to smile when discussing his relationship. Luke remembered when Ashton used to smile when he talked about him.

 

Any other time Luke would have loved seeing Ashton happy, but now it only made him feel bitter.

 

_How does it feel_

_To be adored by him?_

 

•••

 

"You're mad at me," Ashton had said one evening, when he had Luke alone in the back lounge of the bus, "you've been mad at me for ages and I don't know why."

 

Luke scoffed, rolling his eyes, "why would I be mad at you, Ashton?"

 

"I don't know! I don't know," Ashton raised his voice slightly, making Luke flinch, "that's why I'm asking Luke, god damn it, tell me what I've done wrong. You've hardly spoken to me for weeks!"

 

"You don't even care about me," Luke said quickly, anger boiling up inside of him, "you don't care."

 

"I do care Luke, of course I do," Ashton responded in a similar tone, eyebrows knitting together as he spoke. He closed his eyes for a second, deep in thought before opening them again, softening his voice, "is it... Bryana? That's why you're mad?"

 

Luke looked down at the floor shamefully, which was answer enough to Ashton, "I--"

 

Ashton cut him off with a bitter laugh, "you're mad because I found someone that I love? That's it?" Ashton's voice was growing in volume, and it was beginning to make Luke feel uneasy.

 

"You moved on so quickly," Luke mumbled, still avoiding eye contact with the older man.

 

"Moved on from what? Luke, there was nothing there between us," Ashton's voice was low and controlled now, somehow much more intimidating than how he spoke before, "it was to relieve stress. That's all, that's what we said since we started."

 

"That doesn't mean it didn't hurt when you left," Luke was near tears, but he refused to let them fall, "I miss you, Ashton."

 

"I'm happy now."

 

_Oh how stupid to think_

_That I could compare_

_To the pretty girl_

_With the butterscotch hair_

**Author's Note:**

> clemwin.tumblr.com :)


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